2012 was one of the worst years I’ve had to go through. I lost my best friend. The person that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Starting 2012, I thought that everything that had happened in 2011 was going to change with the new year. Things would get back on track and I would go back to being me. The track that my life had been taking seemed perfect and exactly what I wanted. And then everything changed. Someone else took my place without me knowing - I got hit from the left field. It might have happened a year and a half ago, but the ongoing contact and nagging has prevented me from moving on.
Ive never had a physical ache before until that summer in 2011. I didn’t even know that kind of an ache existed - but apparently it does. The feelings that I have tried to suppress bubble up every day, and its a daily fight to keep them down. Some days they get the better of me and some days I really can’t handle it.
With the way that things ended, the calls and texts continued to come, with what I am assuming is no thought at how they would come across. “I’ve been thinking about you” and “We should link up” were a constant. Those are not words that you say to someone you ended things with when you are living with and dating someone else. I refuse to be that girl who falls back into the pattern for years and hit 35, realizing that after he’s finally married her and had kids with her, that it will never happen for me. I might still be completely head over heels, and smile for absolutely no reason even though I’m mad as hell - I will NOT let myself go back there.
I will always want things to be different and truthfully I would jump at a second chance if it presented itself. There are so many things that would need to change, but I would put in 100%. So in 2013, I am going to use the whole year to work on me. You work on getting rid of the ache completely, to do exactly what I want regardless of how difficult or how much money. I need to get back to being happy - the way I was before the summer of 2011. It might not seem like a tragic event or that this is just the happening of a long relationship gone bad - to me it was much more than just any relationship. I saw a future that is no longer there.
So I’m going to push and push until I’m back to where I was - happy and carefree. This is my journey back to me.