// Workout smurkout //

I have finally gotten back on my workout and my nutrition plan. I am starting to feel like me again. I might be calorie tracking again but its worth it. Since April I have lost almost 10 pounds. Within the last week I’ve lost 2lbs. It’s great and I’m so excited to hopefully reach my goal soon.

By the time I go to Vegas I was to be down to 127 - which means I have to lose 3 pounds in 5 weeks. I’m sure its easy to do but while gaining muscle tone it can be difficult. We will see how it works out. 

// The getaway//

The first stop on this New Year Thinking - Chicago. My best friend lives in Chicago and has for the past year and a half. She has begged me to come visit for so long, that I am finally going to go. In 5 days I will be flying to Chicago and hopefully have a fun weekend without straying thoughts or problems. 

The best part about going out last night is that I saw his brother. Not just his younger brother, who doesn’t seem to know about what happened specifically, but his older brother. The one that I hung out with the last year. The awkward passing had to happen and I couldn’t avoid it. I got a subtle nod, a cracked smile and kept walking. I have to say that I prefer it that way. Next month is his brother’s birthday and I already know they will all be up here to go out on their party bus - which means more awkward passings for me. 

Needless to say - this Chicago trip couldn’t come at a better time. I need this. I need to get away for just a little and come back, probably to deal with the same lingering feelings that seem to cultivate here. The emotional attachment to people, the wanting - is my weakness. I need it to disappear. 

// The list will continue to grow….//

I have compiled a list over the past week of things that I want to accomplish this year. It might only be the 16th of January but I can proudly say that my calendar is starting to fill up. Some of these things may seem silly or just small events that everyone does or goes to all the time, but they are things that I have always wanted to do and have been waiting around instead of just doing them. When I feel the need to care again, then I will but until then - I’m having fun. 

Accomplish in 2013: 

- Color Run (Columbus July 2013)

- Warrior Dash (one step closer to doing the Tough Mudder, until then, I’ll take it slow)

- See the Nutcracker (I love the Ballet and used to take classes. Professional Ballet is amazing to watch)

- Country Concert (the largest and most exciting reason to be drunk and wasted for 3 straight days)

- Go to Las Vegas

- Zip lining (I have a fear of heights and roller coasters can only be ridden so many times)

- Kickboxing classes

- Hot yoga

- Accomplish a blog

- Take a few weekends in Put In Bay

- Go to an OSU Football game & tailgate

- Concerts

• Kenny Chesney
• Keith Urban
• Carrie Underwood
• …..

// The Journey Back to Me//

2012 was one of the worst years I’ve had to go through. I lost my best friend. The person that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Starting 2012, I thought that everything that had happened in 2011 was going to change with the new year. Things would get back on track and I would go back to being me. The track that my life had been taking seemed perfect and exactly what I wanted. And then everything changed. Someone else took my place without me knowing - I got hit from the left field. It might have happened a year and a half ago, but the ongoing contact and nagging has prevented me from moving on. 

Ive never had a physical ache before until that summer in 2011. I didn’t even know that kind of an ache existed - but apparently it does. The feelings that I have tried to suppress bubble up every day, and its a daily fight to keep them down. Some days they get the better of me and some days I really can’t handle it. 

With the way that things ended, the calls and texts continued to come, with what I am assuming is no thought at how they would come across. “I’ve been thinking about you” and “We should link up” were a constant. Those are not words that you say to someone you ended things with when you are living with and dating someone else. I refuse to be that girl who falls back into the pattern for years and hit 35, realizing that after he’s finally married her and had kids with her, that it will never happen for me. I might still be completely head over heels, and smile for absolutely no reason even though I’m mad as hell - I will NOT let myself go back there. 

I will always want things to be different and truthfully I would jump at a second chance if it presented itself. There are so many things that would need to change, but I would put in 100%. So in 2013, I am going to use the whole year to work on me. You work on getting rid of the ache completely, to do exactly what I want regardless of how difficult or how much money. I need to get back to being happy - the way I was before the summer of 2011. It might not seem like a tragic event or that this is just the happening of a long relationship gone bad - to me it was much more than just any relationship. I saw a future that is no longer there. 

So I’m going to push and push until I’m back to where I was - happy and carefree. This is my journey back to me.